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Author by: Site Administrator and Owner
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My mission started nearly five years ago and while I was still totally unaware of what was in store for me in surviving financially, emotionally, and all with my health some what intact...
In 2003, I was divorced from a previous marriage because we were longer agreeing on certain subjects like religion, politics, and raising our children, but in reality she had met an auto mechanic from her homeland and was cheating on me.
And by 2006, more than 3 years later I was spending all my time between working and spending time with my two wonderful children. We were like the Three Musketeers. I was coaching them in soccer which included two or more practices per week and at least two games each weekend. I was into raising my children and no longer interested another permanent relationship. My children didn’t really know who I was dating and it didn’t seem to matter much because I was not dating for a new mate anyway.
When I first met my bipolar spouse (referenced as her/she), she was managing a small sandwich shop, or at least that’s what she told me. What I remember is flirting with her just as I would any pretty single woman of that time, our eyes had met, and so she surprised me, by asking me for my phone number as I was leaving. I was hesitant, as I was usually the one who would have a phone number in-hand and so I asked for hers too. But she promised to call me as I left.
But many months passed on without any contact from her. The sandwich shop had long since closed. My son started kidding me about the situation. Was she ever going to call? I started thinking and wondering as well, and easily decided not to give it much thought, because she will either call or not call. After all she had my phone number and I did not have hers.
It was more than 6 months later when I received a phone call from her. She spoke with me as though I had just given her my number no more than a week ago, and then went on to say she had finally decided to go on a date with me, and asked me to meet her at the local library the following day at noon. I told her that I had plans to see my children that following day and suggested the four of us could spend some time together. She agreed. What was I getting into? She was very attractive and I was very interested in learning more about her. After all, she already knew I have children, so it should be a fun day.
But when I arrived at the library she told me to spend a few hours with my children first and then come back for her. She would stay at the library and wait for me.
Much to my surprise she was still waiting for me. We dated for a month and then we got married? What was I thinking?
Our pastor was concerned and asked us to wait. But, he married us anyway, as we insisted and promised to see him weekly for counseling so he could help us work-out our problems. What problems I thought? I was already in heaven.
My spouse prior to our marriage was agreeable to everything, she really spoiled me, she fed me, she bathed me, she made me feel so comfortable and secure in our relationship. It was really quite amazing and so I figured I had done something really right within my life to be deserving of this kind of treatment.
Within the first month after our marriage, we were going to confirmation class together and going to church regularly. We were planning on a family so we could bring along our children to church as well. Our pastor asked us to wait on having children, but would still entertain the notion with some well advised reservations. I guess he wasn’t too worried? But why would this be a problem? After all, she was 39 already and wanting a few children. Within our fifth month of marriage she was carrying our first child and the start of our loving family. How I imagined this back then and is not at all how everything as turned out.
As you may remember, I already had two children from my first marriage and loved raising my children and loved spending every second of each moment with them as I still do. I am very proud of them and they are great kids. But, the strangest perception my bipolar spouse ever disclosed to me is how she felt that we would never have a family of our own unless I somehow pretended as she did, that my older children simply did not exist? They were only 8 and 12, which is very young and the thought of deserting them was not only unconscionable but illegal according to the courts.
Instead of continuing this as a story which would take volumes to complete, I am going to simply summarize my bipolar spouse’s actions in the following bullet points, which may help others to recognize this potentially abnormal activity:
1. The first introduction into a bipolar person’s life usually occurs too quickly and is well disguised.
2. Bipolar personalities usually prefer to engage strangers in long conversations and exaggerate on the truth.
3. Bipolar personalities usually prefer to accomplish goals on their own, so as not share the praises but rarely finish.
4. Bipolar personalities usually have a lot of unfinished projects, which are not completed because of someone else.
5. Bipolar personalities usually keep all activities as secretive as is possible as if it would weaken them to disclose it.
6. Bipolar personalities usually keep historical items in safe keeping which is their way of showing it has meaning.
7. Bipolar personalities usually do not use the words like I love you, please, thank you, I’m sorry, or you’re welcome.
8. Bipolar personalities usually lose interest in those around them the most and need to impress teachers or strangers.
9. Bipolar personalities will lose or misplace their keys, purses, other daily items and then blame someone else.
10. Bipolar personalities will save their money for long durations for some unattainable goal or spend it frivolously.
11. Bipolar personalities generally expect everything to be granted without question and without an explanation.
12. Bipolar personalities generally become very frustrated with analytical discussions involving real world issues.
13. Bipolar personalities generally cannot make choices even when they have a very small limited set of options.
14. Bipolar personalities desire a life of comfort, security, and control and take offense to any interference of same.
15. Bipolar personalities build on a life filled with assumptions, exaggerations, and poorly perceived interactions.
16. Bipolar personalities are on an endless path of destroying what exists in preferring what is presumed to be better.
I have some points of advice for those considering a relationship with someone who may be bipolar. First a bipolar person is well trained at disguising the true extent of their condition. Secondly, they prefer strangers because once a stranger knows of their condition they feel resentment towards the messenger of bad news.
But if you are fortunate enough to know their condition before marriage, before children, before falling in love with them:
1. Put forth an agreement which protects you if they start proceeding down the self indulgent road to spite of you.
2. List out what is acceptable behavior and some guidelines which you and your spouse will try hard to follow.
3. Put into writing what is unacceptable behavior like not taking your medications, being abusive, spending sprees.
4. Perhaps you can agree on a required early intervention program, regular counseling program, and support groups.
5. But be sure this is formally written, notarized, and keep copies by both partners for regular review and discussion.
6. Finally, the spouse of a bipolar person must be prepared to enforce this document for it to have any meaning.
7. Most importantly the document must be followed or the spouse of a bipolar person should immediately divorce.
8. Please remember as the spouse of a bipolar person, you are married to a person with a permanent disability for life!
I truly hope this helps, and please check out our blogs, articles, health, and other news on our site…
Sincerely, from the Society of Bipolar Spouses